Deanna Fei did not need a man. She was in her 20s, living in Shanghai on a Fulbright scholarship, writing her first novel: a book about fiercely independent Chinese women, very much like Deanna herself. Growing up as a first-generation Chinese American, Deanna resented the way some men, specifically white men, looked down on her. She refused to be anyone’s fetish. By the time she arrived in Shanghai, she had sworn off dating white men all together. But then, Deanna met a man: an older, successful white man, who offered to provide for her as she pursued her dreams. Was Deanna betraying herself, once she started falling in love with him?
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Anna Martin: From "The New York Times," I'm Anna Martin.
This is "Modern Love."
As I've gotten older, I've started talking more and more
with my mom about her life and about her relationship with my dad.
Something she's opened up about recently
is how complicated it's been to build their life together.
My mom is Chinese, first-generation American,
and my dad is a good old Irish Catholic boy from Pittsburgh.
Still, they made a choice to be with each other.
And over 32 years of marriage, they figured some of this stuff out,
but there's still lots they wrestle with.
That's why I'm so drawn to today's essay.
Deanna Fei is Chinese-American, and when a white guy fell for her,
she, just like my mom, had to ask herself,
was their connection strong enough to work through their differences?
Deanna Fei, I've so been looking forward to this conversation.
Welcome to "Modern Love."
Deanna Fei: Thank you so much for having me.
Anna Martin: So your "Modern Love" essay is full of these vivid scenes of you in your 20s,