Three months into the pandemic, Haili Blassingame was crafting an email to her boyfriend of five years, Malcolm, with the subject line “My Terms.” She wanted to break up. Haili had met Malcolm in college. At first she was “giddy about the cute guy with the deep voice who looked like Obama,” she wrote in her Modern Love essay. But as they started dating, she found that their identities were intertwining and people were treating them differently just because they called themselves girlfriend and boyfriend. Haili longed for love but also for freedom and autonomy. Today’s episode explores Haili’s journey to nonmonogamy — and how, as a Black woman, she’s navigated the expectations of her family and friends. Then we hear from Haili herself.
Anna Martin: I had my first boyfriend in sixth grade.
I remember he wore skate shoes,
these really puffy skate shoes,
and he had hair that was so long
it was impossible to see his eyes.
We met up at the flagpole after school.
And I distinctly remember he gave me a fist bump,
and then that was it.
We were girlfriend–boyfriend.
By the way, you had to say it like that,
'girlfriend–boyfriend,'
really fast as if it was one word,
because we were now one entity.
We were girlfriend–boyfriend.
But I remember feeling nervous
that we weren't living up to whatever it meant to be girlfriend–boyfriend.
And the pressure got to be too much.
We broke up a few weeks later.
Which, I mean, it was middle school.
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