2024-09-16
40 分钟Esther speaks to a woman who feels frustrated and stuck in her dating patterns. She loves going on dates, regularly meets people out and about, and feels open to having multiple forms of a relationship. And still…she gets to one or two or three dates before the relationship fizzles out. Esther gives her a new way to think about it and reframes her frustrations. Esther's has two new courses coming out this week. If you are interested in Bringing Desire Back or Playing With Desire in your relationships, then click the link below for more. And if you join the waitlist before 9/17, you will have the chance to ask Esther your questions about desire and eroticism and special access to a foreplay challenge Esther has dreamed up just for you. For more go to: https://www.estherperel.com/the-art-of-desire-waitlist Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
Hi Esther, so when I wrote in, I mentioned a few different things, which I'm trying to summarize under one question, so please bear with me.
I'm 33 and dating is a challenge.
I'm genuinely trying to find someone who is compatible with me, who I can see a long term future with.
I've tried the avenues that I can think of, the apps asking friends and family if they might know someone, and unfortunately, I'm not able to meet the kind of person who I'm aligned with.
My question is, is how much effort is a healthy amount to put into the pursuit of dating?
I feel like I talk about it a lot, and it's not in a woe is me type of way, it's in a how do I solve this problem way.
I'm genuinely curious about this and that's why I think about it and talk about it a lot.
I'm not ruminating, but I am trying to understand and analyze it.
Also, unlike other aspects of my life where I know that if I put in a certain amount of effort or focus, I'll get better outcomes, there doesn't seem to be a correlation in that way with dating.
I also know that after a certain point of thinking about the same topic, there are diminishing returns, and I'm just wondering where that line is.
There is a lot of discourse online, like on Instagram and TikTok, where women are feeling this way and the response is to decenter men and decenter dating, which I respect and can empathize with.
But I don't think that's the right solution for me because in my opinion, it's addressing the wrong problem.
This isn't about desperation, of being someone's girlfriend or wife.
To me, this is about building a true partnership, which is why I don't want to give up on it or distract myself with something else.
I have amazing relationships with my friends and family, which I'm so grateful for and I'm really happy with myself.
I would just also like a partner who I can have a romantic relationship with and share other aspects of my life.
I feel like I have pretty reasonable expectations of my future partner too.
Like, I don't expect them to be my everything, but I'd like them to be a companion who I'm on the same page with in terms of our values and aspirations for the future, and who also truly appreciates me, like very normal stuff.
So I am optimistic, but I'm also exhausted.
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